I have been blessed with some truly amazing friends in my life. I've also dealt with some who I thought were friends and who have abused my friendship, lied to me and broken promises. I suspect that I am not alone in that.
I do my best to let the losses teach me how to be a better friend and yet how to also take care of myself in bad situations.
I am lucky to have had several examples of that through my life. The picture is of Phyllis. Outside of the friendships I have with family members, she and I have been friends the longest. We've know each other since we were 10 and been best friends since we were 11. I have several good friends whose friendship and love I have shared for 25 or more years. I have learned much from their great examples.
I have learned how to listen, at least well enough to hear what the needs are of someone I love. I have learned to support decisions that are not the same as ones I would make, I have learned to hug. I have learned to occassionally listen with my heart and do the best I can to help when things are not going so easy in another person's life. All of these things I have learned not because someone told me to do them or how to do them. I learned them because I watched people who are truly masters of the craft of love and friendship. I copied their motions. Sometimes very sloppily while I learned to become comfortable with the actions of love.
It has not always been an easy journey for me. I am, by my very nature, intensely independent and not often comfortable with "messy" emotions! But I am a vastly improved human being because of the generous nature of such loving guidance.
I like to tell myself that I have learned these lessons very well now ... I've been practicing at them for decades and hope that I have long since stopped being awkward or uneasy in the process. But sometimes, maybe I work a bit too hard at it and there are those who begin to take what I offer for granted. I would much rather that be the case then to not be available when I can help.
But, I am deeply saddened when I find it impossible NOT to distance from someone who is not able to be a true friend in return. I recognize that this usually is because they have not yet learned to love themselves, but at some point, I am unable to tolerate the chaos and pain they seem to bring to my table at ever increasing levels.
I write this now, because I am struggling with this process. It is difficult for me to tell others how they need to behave in order to keep the friendship alive. After all, with all my faults, I am not sure that I am qualified to tell anyone what choices they should make. On the other hand, if I am unable to continue allowing someone to be too close to me because I no longer trust them, I find it difficult to just cut them lose without giving them a reason.
In the situation I am dealing with currently, I have tried to indicate in a miriad of ways that things are not working for me as they have been. I no longer hug or express my love verbally to this persona and internally cringe when I am hugged or told of love from this person. Love to me does not come with verbal abuse, lies, not following through with commitments and broken promises. Love to me is all about trust and respect for yourself and the other person. If I cannot trust you, I may still love you, but I won't want to be around you.
Just venting. It is hard to have had such high hopes for a good relationship only to see it shatter repeatedly over time.
So, once again, let me just say .... I am deeply grateful for some truly amazing friends in my life ... some are also family and some have been such great friends that they have at least become family of my heart!
I read this on FB a few weeks ago. In this high speed, instant gratification life we all live now, friendships, relationships and more are no easy thing to come by much less hang on to. People blame it all on a myriad of things and none really come close to the reality of a lack of maturity and comittment.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds so simple to be able to say, count your losses, but like many things, it sounds easy, but does hard. And in the doing, most often leads to heartbreak.
Counting your friends as blessings and loving yourself is the key and the rest supposedly follows naturally. (I have to sometimes wonder about that one)
From everything I've read above, you're a much bigger and better person than I. For me, with the lies and the verbal abuse, the next logical step is a complete severing of all ties. My hats off and my admiration grows to know someone that can live, act and react as I know I should, but can't seem to master.